@lecalabara: Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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@decentbirthday: Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
@hippieswordfish: nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free