ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
the council will decide your fate
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.