@Parkerlawyer: My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

@KevinFarzad: I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

@jedfudally: someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@StaceyShortcake: The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn't disappoint.

@davidkenny100: Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me