@david8hughes: [shipwreck diary] Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?

@karanbirtinna: Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@bourgeoisalien: Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?

@ColesTwitt3r: i made a craigslist ad !