“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig