Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
smartest karate player in the world
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday