My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
You Might Also Like
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space