You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Only short people can save us
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.