aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
i love modern commerce
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.