Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Found the job I’m suited for
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.