Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Still cracks me up
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
This line from Airplane.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
#gardening
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure