Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You Might Also Like
Last-minute gift idea!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
getting corrected
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having