Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?