ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine