ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
who did the taste test?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage