ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.