ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
You Might Also Like
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Actually cracking up @ this
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.