Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors