@WarrenHolstein: Melania Trump says her husband is "not Hitler." That's true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
@UncleDuke1969: [typing] Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE? Wife: 2nd. Me: Is "polyamorous" hyphenated? Wife: No. Why? Me: It's for work. When's your flight?
@Paxochka: People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.