Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen