Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy