@ddsmidt: Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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@MourningGlory_: Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.
@VikeeysSecret: If I ever get married, I'm not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…
@smirkykev: In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"