Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“How’s your day going?”