Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Jupiter
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?