I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Mistakes were made
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”