“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Based Erika
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Woke up against my better judgment again
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you