“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome