Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
how was your vacation
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: