Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.