Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
won’t smith
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Try and stop me.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count