Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
You Might Also Like
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.