Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?