Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My what?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET