Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
You Might Also Like
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
twitter is a journey
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]