Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests