Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice