Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…