*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
goldfish mafia
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.