Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My last name is Zilla.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.