Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant