Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?