@mdob11: Men are like buses, they won't text me back.
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@MindyFurano: person: can you keep a secret? me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life person: oh thank god
@dshack8: "I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead." The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.
@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes