@mdob11: Men are like buses, they won't text me back.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze.
@joejwest: HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me [glides on] Not much I can do
@david8hughes: [interviewing for job as assassin] Me: I only have 1 rule Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends