Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?