“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.