“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Monday?
No. Next question.
You deplete me
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no