“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.