The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Noted.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.