You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special