@iFluff8: Men ask us if we're naked when we tell them we're taking a bath. THAT'S why they pay more for their car insurance.
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@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@Thedudish: I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.
@sageboggs: are those elderberries? [camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]