Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse