[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.