@lizetagge: Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
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@atanenhaus: Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
@roostermustache: [in catholic church] Me: can i make a confession Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
@Rollinintheseat: Coworker: "How was your weekend?" Me: "You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."
@sweet_toof: With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN'T go straight to Wendy's to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.