@lilgapeach30: Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
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@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
@Dawn_M_: He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring. We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
@jackmackenroth: I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.