@lilgapeach30: Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
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@Cpin42: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you got picked on in high school? Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
@DamienFahey: About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
@IvoryGazelle: I push everything I have across the table and confidently call "all in". "Omg, for the last time, this is chess"