@Douchekevin: Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
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@delusionaliam: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
@thatdutchperson: Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters.
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious ME: Okay [later on date] HER: So where are we going tonight? ME: None of your goddamn business