@Douchekevin: Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
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@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
@Schgot89: The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural. As opposed to walking on water.
@cwhudson: SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure PHONE: *unskippable ad plays* NURSE: he's dyin SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
@JediGigi: Friend: I need your advice. Me: Wear less eyeshadow. Friend: I meant about my love life. Me: Friend: Me: Friend: Me: Wear less eyeshadow.