If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The options really are this bad
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
You have been warned.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.