16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?