Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.