@randomlawless: Men don't ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they'll remember "breast, thighs, moist & hot"
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@Danny_McH2O: I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.
@AntozWolf: They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
@jonnysun: "911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME