@randomlawless: Men don't ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they'll remember "breast, thighs, moist & hot"
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@InternetHippo: FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
@yungfedora: *hits bong* *abuses bong* *bong calls bong protection agency* *bong custody taken* *bong put in foster home* *bong misses old life*
@Book_Krazy: [quietly] "Always a bridesmaid never the bride" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! "Shhh...this day is about you, not me."
@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!